A warm thank you to everybody you had questions and needed answers. I hope my advise will guide you in the right direction. Let’s dive in.
Q1. I’m continuously spending my money with nothing to show. I’m concerned that I’ll never grow up and settle down. How do I know if I’m really not just a Toys R’ Us kid?
A. Mom? Dad? Is this some passive aggressive way of telling me I’m spending too much money with nothing to show, again? No? Okay….well in that case I’ll proceed with answering your question.
Take a deep breath, and relax. If you’re questioning if you’re a Toys ‘R’ Us kid, you’re not one. Those kids KNOW they are a Toys ‘R’ Us kid—haven’t you seen the commercials? They “don’t wanna grow up” and are loud and proud about being a Toys ‘R’ Us kid. So, if you actually are one…you’re probably playing in the ball pit by yourself, friend–because you are not like the rest of them.
However, you’re on the right track to solving your problem and don’t even realize it. You should become a Toys ‘R’ Us kid. It’ll solve all of your money problems (probably not the settling down part, I highly advise you do that outside of Toys ‘R’ Us). How will becoming a Toys ‘R’ Us kid help your money problems? Simple. As a grown-up, you find one of the toys, maybe one of those cars you peddle with your feet, that doesn’t have a warning on it saying something like “Intended for Children only. Do not ride if you are above 135 pounds”. Then, you ride that sucker all over the place until it breaks…one of your legs, or something. Have it malfunction, get injured, and sue that place for all they’re worth (Toys ‘R’ MINE!). You may not settle down, but a settlement is just as good.
Q2. Dear Cort, What is your opinion on eating dropped food off of the floor. I hear of the 5-second rule, but that seems a little premature for me. Do you decide based on floor type? Location? germ multiplication permutation algorithms? Need to know. Thanks, 5secondFool
First and foremost, let’s hope your name is in reference to the 5-second rule—not a nickname an ex-lover gave you at some point.
I’m not sure how the notorious 5-second rule came to be, but it is complete bogus! Floor type, location, and yes, even germ multiplication permutation algorithms come into play when deciding how long you can and should wait before eating food that fell on the floor. But most importantly, it comes down to the type of food. If it’s a vegetable, don’t fret about it—consider it an extra treat for Fluffy. If it’s soup, then as a wise-man once said “no soup for you”. Cheetos usually take a couple days to get completely stale, so you have a couple of days to decide if you’re hungry enough to eat it. And remember—if nobody sees it, it never happened.
Q3. How many times can you experiment with the same sex before you are officially gay?
I should preface this by saying I have complete respect for all humans, regardless of their sexual orientation. True love is a right of every human. That being said, as a heterosexual male, I don’t know much about homosexuality. It’s one of lifes greatest mysteries—like the mythical clitoris. If it is, indeed, true that you are born “gay” and it’s innate–then you’re “officially gay” before you even experiment with the same-sex. Growing up you can get all the chicks you want, still just as gay. Does a dude giving another dude a blowie make them gay? Not necessarily, they could just be bored. Or lonely. Or didn’t pay attention in sex-ad and don’t realize what they’re doing is very gay. The word “officially” is the key here, though. One cannot be “officially gay” until some sort of official declares you “gay”. So, I suppose you’re “officially gay” once you sign the paperwork. It’s 2014, legalize same-sex marriage and let everybody be gay and marry (boom boom chaa).
Q4. What are your top 3 movie quotes and why?
A. 1. “Damn you, Roger!”- Chaz Reinhold in Wedding Crashers. It’s my favorite quote from a movie because it’s so easy to drop into every day conversation. When something goes wrong there’s nothing better than letting out a “dammit! Damn you, Roger!”
2. “Hellooo Ladies”- J.D. McNugent from Saving Silverman. Another quote that I probably use every day without even thinking about it. The way he says it and the look he gives is priceless. One of the funniest movies of all-time. Doesn’t get enough love. Also, I wouldn’t feel right not having a Jack Black quote in here.
3. “Life isn’t the number of breaths you take; it’s the moments that take your breath away”- Alex “Hitch” Hitchens in Hitch. As much as I wanted to put some Lloyd Christmas quote in here, you likely already know all of those. Plus, not everything is a joke—I can be serious(ish) sometimes. This quote struck me from the moment I heard it in theaters back in, what was it, 2005? It’s a nice aphorism, that inspires you to enjoy life. Sometimes I can get overwhelmed and stressed out and it puts me back into a better mindset. Without those stressed out days, the extraordinary days wouldn’t feel so extra-ordinary.
Thanks for participating, shoot your questions to ask.fm/cortfreeman any time and I’ll respond via post soon. Until next time, friends.